Determined to make the best

So I've had a few days to let this new job sink in. First, let me just say that I'm very glad that I didn't have to start yesterday. Having two weeks to adjust my mind and my emotions is a great thing. I can be totally ready when the 28th comes around.

I've decided to make the best of this situation. Yes, the job is not what I'm looking for. No, the money is not what I want. But it's a job at a time when so many are having trouble finding one. And it gets me back to work, which will go a long way to getting my career totally back on track. And let's be honest - the drama with my mother should come to an end soon since we won't be in the same household. And hopefully, before too much time passes, I'll have my own place and feel somewhat back to normal.

In the meantime, I'll continue to seek out call center/client service management positions and apply. If the new job doesn't pan out in terms of opportunity, this keeps another doorway open for me to walk through when the opportunity does present itself.

Just keep swimming...

Yeah.

So I got the job. I feel like I should be more excited. I'm just so scared about the amount of money I'll be making. Or, not making. I mean, it's nearly one half of what I was making six months ago. I'm so scared I will not be able to live on this. I'm scared I won't be able to find a decent apartment. I'm just scared, and trying not to burst into tears.

I can't put into words how hard it is to feel like you're taking such a big step backwards. I worked so hard - SO hard - for nearly 15 years to make something of myself. To try to be something that I could be proud of. And now? I feel, well, embarrassed. How do I tell my friends back home that I'm basically starting over? I'm nearly 40 years old and I am starting back at square one. It's one nasty pill to swallow.

I feel like I've been a thorn in the side of my family. I know it's silly, but they never planned to have me live with them - any of them. And I've been doing it for six months, and now it's going to include more family. It's so demoralizing to feel like a charity case, to wonder how your going to make this shiny new job not feel like, well, dirty.

I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach, but that I can't let that show. I have to put on a happy face and say thank you when someone says "Congrats", when I really just want to say "Do you have any idea how terrified I am?"

I'm so tired of being scared. I don't want to be scared any more, but it's getting harder to hold on to "someday". Sometimes I feel like my ship just left port without me and it was the last one. I hope I'm wrong about that feeling.

Resignataion?

I'm resigning. I'm resigned to the fact that I will find a job doing something I really, really love. I am accepting the fact that I will have to accept a job I don't necessarily really want just in order to get back to work. You're probably asking yourself what was my "aha" moment? Well, the three of you that read this might be.

I was watching the news about a week ago, running a story about the state of Rhode Island reducing hours for all non-essential state employees. Naturally, being caught up in this nasty recession myself, I understand why this is required. Towards the end of the segment, a brief interview with one of the affected employees was shown. She was hysterical. HY.STER.ICAL. She was crying and screaming that ...'it's not fair, how can they do this to me - this is my life'. And I suddenly thought to myself: Shut up, you cow.

Yep. She got no sympathy from me. Why? Isn't it obvious? She has a job. She's working. Even though it may now only be part time, she is doing something productive and worthwhile (at least to someone) and getting paid for it. I wanted to punch her in the face. There are MILLIONS of people like me, struggling to find something, to just get back to work. We don't want to feel like a drain on society. When I see "friends" post something online that speaks of non-working losers who just sit around and how they don't deserve help from anyone, I want to scream. Then I want to call them and ask how many people they know who have been laid off, let go or otherwise booted out in this recession. And I know, deep down, 99% of these insensitive morons don't really mean what they say, but they aren't thinking about it. So I resigned.

I have my second interview for this job on Friday. I was pushed past the second phone interview and moved right into the in-person interview because I did so well. I guess that makes me feel good, even though it's such a step back. Maybe, just maybe, this step back will turn into a giant step forward someday.

A girl can always hope, right?

Today, my mother is making me crazy. How is possible to love someone (she gave birth to me, after all) and yet hate her all at the same time? Seriously, I want to punch her in the face.

First, it's become all too obvious that she resents me being here. Now - just to avoid any confusion - let me say outright that I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE EITHER! I would rather have gainful employment, doing something I enjoy and have a place of my own; however, I'm not there yet. So I'm here. I don't feel comfortable, so I spend most of my time in "my area" - the basement apartment. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice place, but she's pissed because I don't come upstairs and when I do come upstairs, she makes it clear I am not welcome. That I am in HER home and I'm im the way. Would the term "bitch-face" be appropriate here?

Then we have the constant, and I mean constant, muttering and negativity. She complains all day long. I realize that this blog entry is nothing but me complaining, but you'll just have to get past that irony. It's one big circus of cupboard slamming, putting herself down, being snide with dad or me, slamming plates, bitching about dad or me, putting herself down and generally voicing her dissatisfaction with anyone in our immediate family. It's wearing in a way I can't even describe. For example, I overheard Dad asking her where the newspaper was. She yelled back - and I mean yelled - that she never moved it and he didn't need to be so sarcastic when he speaks to her. For the record, my father is rarely sarcastic when speaking to my mother. and this time was no different. He (rightly) got upset and told her he saw her pick it up this morning and move it and he just wanted to know where it was. This, of course, meant she went into a tirade about how she never does anything right around here. This happens three and four times a day. Every day. Every. Day. Then I come upstairs, and she says "J***" to get his attention, then starts whispering as I get to the top of the stairs. I don't know about you, but one thing I hate is to walk into a room and hear people suddenly start to whisper. Gee, do you think she was talking about me?

Honestly, there are days that I'm not sure if I can take it anymore. I'm thankful my Dad opened up his house to me, but it's clear he did it without talking to her first. I'm sure he thought "It's our kid and she needs help. It's a no-brainer", but apparently Mom had other ideas.

I say it again. Bitch-face.

The wheels move slowly...

So I've been making more contacts and improving my LinkedIn page, but still things move slowly. I was contacted by a Well(s) known bank regarding a position I applied for about two weeks ago. Good, right? Turns out they are concerned because, although my background is very impressive and they are interested in talking to me, my salary requirements are considerably higher than what they are willing to pay. Let's just say that if I ended up being offered and take this job, it would pay me (at best) over $20K LESS than my last job. That's right - $20K less.

Will this horrible roller-coaster of not knowing my future ever end?

Fresh Start?

I'm hopeful. For the first time in what feels like months.

I went to a job hunt seminar last week. I've been to a few of these, and let's just say that the content has been less than riveting and nowhere near earth-shattering. In fact, my experience prior to Thursday night's meeting was that these seminars are a complete waste of time. This one proved there is still something out there to be learned.

I won't bore you with all the details of the seminar. Suffice-it-to-say, I feel like I've learned enough and have some new techniques under my belt to put a fresh spin on my job hunt. Let's just all keep our fingers crossed that I can generate some new leads and actually land a damn interview!

ARGH!

I'm frustrated. Job hunting is a nightmare when you're doing it full time. And I have to confess, I have found it nearly impossible to job hunt full time. I mean really, there is only so much time I can spend on the internet looking at HotJobs, Monster, etc. And the whole process of online job hunting just baffles me.

Take the common "mistakes" I've read about at least a dozen times (to the tenth power) in the last several months: 1) Attending a job fair is a waste of time. The jobs are dead-end, entry-level and hard to fill. Ok - fine. So if I can't find a good job at a job fair, where else can I make contacts? 2) Don't pay a headhunter to find you a job. It's a waste of money. Again, Ok. But when I contact the placement agencies and give them my background and qualifications, I'm told "Wow - we only have entry level positions. You should contact a headhunter". Really?! 3) Don't send out a resume online without calling the company, even when the ad says "no phone calls". Honestly, I have NO problem calling a company, but can anyone tell me who I'm supposed to ask for and what I should be saying? All I've found thus far is the internet is FULL of mistakes to avoid and lists of things I should not be doing, but I can't find anything that tells me how I should be doing it. At least not that doesn't sound iffy. I've subbmitted hundreds of resumes, and get the "while your qualifications and background is impressive, we've decided to go in another direction" email. Which is just a nice way of saying tough luck, loser.

Well, blow me.