Determined to make the best

So I've had a few days to let this new job sink in. First, let me just say that I'm very glad that I didn't have to start yesterday. Having two weeks to adjust my mind and my emotions is a great thing. I can be totally ready when the 28th comes around.

I've decided to make the best of this situation. Yes, the job is not what I'm looking for. No, the money is not what I want. But it's a job at a time when so many are having trouble finding one. And it gets me back to work, which will go a long way to getting my career totally back on track. And let's be honest - the drama with my mother should come to an end soon since we won't be in the same household. And hopefully, before too much time passes, I'll have my own place and feel somewhat back to normal.

In the meantime, I'll continue to seek out call center/client service management positions and apply. If the new job doesn't pan out in terms of opportunity, this keeps another doorway open for me to walk through when the opportunity does present itself.

Just keep swimming...

Yeah.

So I got the job. I feel like I should be more excited. I'm just so scared about the amount of money I'll be making. Or, not making. I mean, it's nearly one half of what I was making six months ago. I'm so scared I will not be able to live on this. I'm scared I won't be able to find a decent apartment. I'm just scared, and trying not to burst into tears.

I can't put into words how hard it is to feel like you're taking such a big step backwards. I worked so hard - SO hard - for nearly 15 years to make something of myself. To try to be something that I could be proud of. And now? I feel, well, embarrassed. How do I tell my friends back home that I'm basically starting over? I'm nearly 40 years old and I am starting back at square one. It's one nasty pill to swallow.

I feel like I've been a thorn in the side of my family. I know it's silly, but they never planned to have me live with them - any of them. And I've been doing it for six months, and now it's going to include more family. It's so demoralizing to feel like a charity case, to wonder how your going to make this shiny new job not feel like, well, dirty.

I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach, but that I can't let that show. I have to put on a happy face and say thank you when someone says "Congrats", when I really just want to say "Do you have any idea how terrified I am?"

I'm so tired of being scared. I don't want to be scared any more, but it's getting harder to hold on to "someday". Sometimes I feel like my ship just left port without me and it was the last one. I hope I'm wrong about that feeling.

Resignataion?

I'm resigning. I'm resigned to the fact that I will find a job doing something I really, really love. I am accepting the fact that I will have to accept a job I don't necessarily really want just in order to get back to work. You're probably asking yourself what was my "aha" moment? Well, the three of you that read this might be.

I was watching the news about a week ago, running a story about the state of Rhode Island reducing hours for all non-essential state employees. Naturally, being caught up in this nasty recession myself, I understand why this is required. Towards the end of the segment, a brief interview with one of the affected employees was shown. She was hysterical. HY.STER.ICAL. She was crying and screaming that ...'it's not fair, how can they do this to me - this is my life'. And I suddenly thought to myself: Shut up, you cow.

Yep. She got no sympathy from me. Why? Isn't it obvious? She has a job. She's working. Even though it may now only be part time, she is doing something productive and worthwhile (at least to someone) and getting paid for it. I wanted to punch her in the face. There are MILLIONS of people like me, struggling to find something, to just get back to work. We don't want to feel like a drain on society. When I see "friends" post something online that speaks of non-working losers who just sit around and how they don't deserve help from anyone, I want to scream. Then I want to call them and ask how many people they know who have been laid off, let go or otherwise booted out in this recession. And I know, deep down, 99% of these insensitive morons don't really mean what they say, but they aren't thinking about it. So I resigned.

I have my second interview for this job on Friday. I was pushed past the second phone interview and moved right into the in-person interview because I did so well. I guess that makes me feel good, even though it's such a step back. Maybe, just maybe, this step back will turn into a giant step forward someday.

A girl can always hope, right?