Yeah.

So I got the job. I feel like I should be more excited. I'm just so scared about the amount of money I'll be making. Or, not making. I mean, it's nearly one half of what I was making six months ago. I'm so scared I will not be able to live on this. I'm scared I won't be able to find a decent apartment. I'm just scared, and trying not to burst into tears.

I can't put into words how hard it is to feel like you're taking such a big step backwards. I worked so hard - SO hard - for nearly 15 years to make something of myself. To try to be something that I could be proud of. And now? I feel, well, embarrassed. How do I tell my friends back home that I'm basically starting over? I'm nearly 40 years old and I am starting back at square one. It's one nasty pill to swallow.

I feel like I've been a thorn in the side of my family. I know it's silly, but they never planned to have me live with them - any of them. And I've been doing it for six months, and now it's going to include more family. It's so demoralizing to feel like a charity case, to wonder how your going to make this shiny new job not feel like, well, dirty.

I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach, but that I can't let that show. I have to put on a happy face and say thank you when someone says "Congrats", when I really just want to say "Do you have any idea how terrified I am?"

I'm so tired of being scared. I don't want to be scared any more, but it's getting harder to hold on to "someday". Sometimes I feel like my ship just left port without me and it was the last one. I hope I'm wrong about that feeling.